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Holidays suck and ones that carry these kind of nullistic memories crash into us like tzusomi waves. Having that fear for you life, realization that you could die any second, guilt that you weren’t killed, surviving so they/he could do it again and more…well it’s hard to see the present is separate. Cuz really it’s never going to be separate, there are no memory erasers. Far as i can tell it’s about figuring out how to live around this shit. I don’t know the formula, still trying to figure it out myself. I just try and give myself less stress, pare down the obligations where I can. Let the kids enjoy what they can with an eye to caution.

Staying here, trying, attempting to heal… these are hard, not a walk in the park. Most of the time there’s no reward, no gold stars. We live off the little tidbits our T throws out. We try to bolster up any little positive cuz we haven’t found that place others have. The one where they see present as present and a future with less past intruding into everything.

We just ain’t got there yet. Not for trying, cuz damn we try! We just can’t keep the “click” engaged for very long. So we turn to each other, to folks who get it (not exactly but close) and try to remember those moments of humanity in our unhumane mind scape.



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