Spirit Day
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Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day
 


It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.



MINOR UPDATE
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Thanks to everyone who kept coming here and giving us a nudge to write and keep involved. You all have been very compassionate and giving, we really appreciate it all.

So what's been going on here? 
In the out side world we have been very busy with the Jewish High Holidays, working at our Temple. Now that they are over we have a bit more time to spend with our own lives. We have been dealing with the death of our Uncle and his will, which was more of a mess then a will. The death hit us harder then we expected. Terri is very busy with work and is not available most of the time and when she is here we want her to be relaxed not worried about us. Our son is still having issues with his brothers suicide, it has put a hold on his maturity, as if he stopped all forward movement that year. He is trying again to move to Israel which we support.

We as a system have been struggling to stay functional. So many triggers and flashbacks. There was so much going on inside a struggle of the past to derail the present. Those placed in our system by/as the abusers have pit a last (we hope last) ditch effort to shut down any healing. To keep us from therapy, to foresee our TalkDoc to be rid of us. So far they have failed to send our Doc packing, tho they have scared the crap outta of with their aggressive behavior. 

Right now we are stuck on the couch sick, we've been swimming and swimmer's ear snuck up on us into a full blown infection that is taking major antibodies to fight. We've been to the GP twice in less then a week. Seems with our high tolerance for pain we didn't notice just how bad the infection was until it had almost burst our eardrums and moved into all our sinus cavities then on to respiratory yuck. We've been pushing to get things done but today we are on serious couch rest. Thus time to set and type and read.

Ravin

QUOTE...
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"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." ~~Mark Twain

This speaks to my life, no wonder!
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LEMUR
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You know when your Talk-Doc hits a cord it's usually in some subtle boring way, but others are just too good not to share. Lemurs the new mantra. 

So there I was going on about how I was responsible for what I'd become and TD gets this serious look on her face. "Really? You really want to own that piece?"
 
"Well yeah, I am the one who developed this skill." (skill is irrelevant)

"So let me get this straight, your a monkey with a prehensile tail, the piece of land you live on has drifted way and is now Madagascar. You have no use for your prehensile tail so you evolve into a Lemur. You're a Lemur responsible for the loss of your prehensile tail?"

See? 

Ravin

THIS EXPLAINS EVERY THING
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Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

~~~Mark Twain
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TWAIN'S
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
--- Mark Twain
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SUMMERS
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I got thinking about summers (nod 2 WG) and how it was a mixed bag of abuse and freedom. Summers meant being home 24-7 with our abusers and more free time to be sent off to those using us, but at the same time there were sometimes hours of freedom away from all that and everyone. There were times of actual lack of terror and some well placed self involved play. It was probably these few hours that kept us alive, that nurtured our selves enough to go on. 

Some of us remember stealing off to a stable, I'm talking a 5 mile hike both ways to clean stalls for an hour of bliss atop a horse. Years we took this hike when ever we could get away. We learned to run most of the way in a state much like runners describe; off in the rhythm, except we were running thru woodland on paths probably made by deer and bear. Much of the land between our outskirts of town home and the many large acres owned by the rich. Those woods were our safe playground and the learning to ride a horse a healing of sorts.

Mind you I'm writing this from a "learned later" perspective, since I personally never experienced the outside world of our body's family childhood. Many of us were brought front only in the confines of a controlled setting. Still I believe the body gained quiet and healing from these endeavor thus we all gained when then using the body. The only linear thing in our lives was the body, it has it's own memories sans us. So how disconnected and still connected is that?

Here's to summer in all it's states of triggers for good and bad, may they bring along good times, even if it's just the realization that things happened.

Ravin

OVERDUE UNDERDONE UPDATE
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I haven't done an update in a while, life just keeps getting complicated and busy. 

Our birthday passed, it's such a hard time for us, it always was but it being a month to the day that our son, M took his life just made it even more triggery. Folks wana make a big deal out of birthdays and I know it's usually a happy fun time for most but we try very hard to avoid it. We cancelled a dinner date when we found out they were making a big deal for our birthday, I know it was probably rude but we had told them, "Please don't make it about us."

Mean while we'd been driving almost every other day 3 & half hours up then back, to be with my uncle who went into hospice in his own home. D, our son, made a few of the trips with me which was nice for the company. M, our oldest son was named after this uncle, he was supposed to carry the name forward. The thing is my uncle always went by a nickname in the family but all his friends called him by M. The first day visiting his friend came to meet us and began talking about my uncle and calling him M. It was enough of a surprise to take our breath away. 

Then on Memorial weekend our uncle passed. This was fitting for a man who gave almost three decades to the service of his country in the Navy. He was one of the most generous and kind men I have ever known. This was a death in line with the nature of life but for us it was realizing we we'd lost both the Ms in our life. It's breaking hearts all over again. 

Then there's the drama with my uncle's sister-in-law who had 4 pickup trucks and a trailer at the how that morning to begin emptying the house of anything of value. She tried to even interfere with my uncles cremation but failed not being a blood relative they had to come to me as I was his next of kin. We knew this was going to happen but there was nothing to for it since he'd asked her to come stay with him rather then a home nurse. This woman  has a history of taking advantage of the dying but now it's so personal. I hate her I can say that without any hesitation.

Now I'm left with making sure he gets buried and his will carried out. Death brings out people looking to get something. People who've had no contact with my uncle for more then 2 decades began calling our father asking for my uncle's possessions. It amazes me how some people see death as a time to begin circling for the take.

What I always find hard is how folks would rather go to a funeral as a social event then visit their loved ones while dying. Years I've been visiting the dying in our family rather then attending funerals. I would rather spend time with those I care for while they are still living. My TalkDoc says illness and death makes people uncomfortable, even scared. It's not as if it's not uncomfortable to us but sometimes that needs to be over come for the dying person.

On another note Teri was out riding her bicycle when someone ran her off the road into a ditch. She got bruised and cut up pretty bad but nothing broken. She is however in PT for her shoulder which she's still having a hard time moving. Our town is famous for it's drivers disregard for pedestrian and bicyclists. It's really scary how close this accident could have been even more serious. She was so very lucky.

Our son, D moved back home, this month, after he became fed up with his roommates using his rent money for their own pleasures while letting the electric and other utilities. He'll be home at least for a couple of months, tho we hope he will stay till he's at least completed a year of college without the worry of rent. He's been off at Bonnaroo, a 4 day music festival up in Tennessee, it's a mini Woodstock. He and a friend went up and camped out for their first time ever. It's such a great life experience.

Therapy is moving forward on some fronts and backwards on others. I've made a commitment to "do" therapy with our Doc. I've been wading back thru my past, one I never thought I had, a childhood filled with pain and violent training deadly serious training. It's learning the foundation of myself is built of shifting sands. So much isn't what it seemed. Still learning the truth my truth is important, otherwise I'm susceptible to all the craziness inside. Ren continues to have a very hard time, she seems to be fading as tho she were being broken down to nothing a repeat of the original training. We keep watch over her when we can, many times she's not within our reach. Steps forward and a step back. 

There's more but this is long already. So I'll call it an end here.  

Ravin

57th BIRTHDAY
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"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Sicilian Proverb

Today we've lived longer then our biological mother. We lived she died little justice.

Ravin

HAVING A CHILDHOOD
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Wednesday Session

Remembered being a child of maybe 3 or younger.
This is weird for me since up until recently I had no idea I had a childhood.
I can certainly see why I would have wanted to put this away far far away.

The Doc and I have been looking back slowly. Until now it was bits of smell, taste or touch but no sight or feelings. Last try I got to see but she kept the feelings shut off with a suggestion. We talked about that later and I told her shutting down the feeling was too much like what DrG did to me. 

So today we went back to that room, that time and let the feelings just be. I had no idea how intense they were or what had been done to me. At first I was trying not to feel but it wasn't really working for me. I was scared and in pain, a lot of pain. Screaming inside my head pain. There was blood running from my nose, I'd been hit hard enough to cause it to gush and sitting in blood from being raped. I was scared of bleeding to death. Later I wondered how I understood this concept but I'd seen things die from bleeding so this was right there in my head.

Then today after our mammogram which set off pain triggers letting my head exploded Into the past. I barely made it to the car before I'm in that time with everything around me lost. I was in that room but not from my session yesterday. I was there being raped. I'd been prepared and handed off to a man who took from me what shouldn't be taken from a child. And when I cried out he slapped, back handed, me hard enough to make my nose bleed. I hear myself screaming inside my head where I kept my the rest of my screams.

All those years I thought it was someone else screaming. Finally, I'm present in my car with a bloody nose and other physical evidence of what happened to me decades ago. That trigger sent a message to the brain to replay what the body experienced, it's totally amazing and scary.

I called the Doc feeling off balance and to be honest a bit crazy. "Be careful what you ask for" kinda says it all. I mean I asked to go here when I realized I had a childhood. It's not like I wana stop or turn back, "oh he'll no," I will walk back and put this mess to rest. Guess I just wasn't prepared for how intense this was going to be here, now, today. 

Ravin

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