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Today our oldest son Morgan would have turned 28. Instead there is this vast void in our hearts. So many things that won't happen and all that did though wonderful and loving were just not enough. There are still moments in every day someone here thinks he'll just walk through the door laughing yelling, "Mom I'll home, what's to eat!" Or any many other silly everyday things kids say when returning home.

His two best friends are due to stop by any minute, both will come through the door with hugs and "Hi Mom!" as they have for decades when the three of them were growing up. They are young men growing up, creating lives, someday families but they haven't forgotten their heart brother. It helps to know our son is still remembered, loved and missed in the present by those he had cultivated such strong bonds.

Our youngest son has struggled this past week. It has been the first time away from family and friends grieving his brother. He's worried he showed too much emotional instability because he couldn't seem to stay focused on his studies and was late for lineup twice. There he is so far away and we are unable to just hug him just adding to the sadness. He will survive, he is making new friends and future for himself which makes the hearts of moms shutter in the wake of grief.

People, who I used to call friends question our lack of "closure," we don't even know what that means. Do they think a mother can close the book on her ties to her child? The moms here still can feel the birth as fresh as his death. Closure is just some new age dimestore psychology, it's not a real possibility. Of course we have learned to live around the vast hole in our hearts, lives. Life moves on, people move forward and we keep going, there's no other choice really.

Still in three years, coming the end of April, no one has cried. It leaves us feeling freakish, inhuman and fearful of our ability to feel. Of course we feel, but outwardly no one notices because our training keeps everything, anything from ever showing. People expect tears, not too many, but enough to prove you are legitimately grieving. Our former Talk-Doc told us since, "it might take as long as ten years before your grief will be freed." 

We wonder when it will be our turn to grieve?

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There isn't closure that way IMO. We are thinking of you.

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