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Our life just keeps moving along always in this time warp. One of us holds a place in the present while it's overlapped with what the outside world says is our past or history. As I write I try so hard to stay in the moment but I don't know what moment we're in really. 

The only time now that we stay completely present is when talking to our son in Israel. Which takes sheer concentrated will. When the boys were young we could stay present, but it took being on the D-train 24/7 ignoring everything but the absolute present.

When the system began looking inward, listening and walls came down letting everything crash into each individual conscientiousness, we found so much there that'd it's daunting. The details are confusing.

We're back dealing with the issues of our Jewishness because it has again become an issue for our son in Israel. The ultra religious have conversion by the throat over there, unless the conversion was orthodox and these days ultra orthodox they aren't good enough. This has set off so many triggers for our system. Part of our abuse was centered around our German heritage, our paternal grandmother never let us forget it and our main abuser was from Germany here to create, to play and torture the minds of children. We didn't realize how many levels our conversion layered in our system and what it meant. I knew it was about our sons and community but now I know it was a way to leave, to escape as well.

Anyway, there seems to never be an end to the time warp, no erasure or way to lock this all away so we must learn to live around it, in spite of constant triggers. Abuse just keeps on giving--- like endless images in a mirror reflected in a mirror.



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